I am a junkie. My drug of choice doesn’t appear on any government list of controlled substances, but my addiction is long and well documented. Although I am by nature an introvert, I am a people junkie. When I take those little tests that measure your ratio of Task Oriented to Relationship Oriented, I bury the needle in Relationship. Its long been true that if there are things to get done, I should work alone. Otherwise I’m going to visit more than work.

My entire life, including my “career” choices have been guided by only one thing, wanting to minister to people, especially the left out who don’t have a seat along the sides of the beaten path. This is what brought me back to Maine, led me into the Western Maine mountains, and finally, against my will, led me into the pastorate.

As we come up one the one year anniversary of the Great Social Distancing due to Covid-19, I find myself struggling with new weaknesses that I’m not sure yet how to overcome. A weakness that so far has played a better chess game than I, cutting off each move I make before I even finish making it. I’m struggling with the Energy to Love.

The Bible warns that in the last days, because of lawlessness, the love of many will grow cold. That is not my struggle. My love has not grown cold. If anything, the burden of my heart has never felt heavier as I see so many hurting, lonely, angry, scared, and confused. You can’t dip a toe into social media and avoid the extreme unhappiness of so many people. I see a great need and want to help show them the Love of Christ.

I’m not struggling with feeling loved. God has given me many brothers and sisters in Christ who are dear friends. Sarah and I are best friends and share with openness and honesty, supporting each other.

There is no lack of opportunities to love others. The sheer number of messages, phone calls, letters, and visits that I need to make far outstrip the hours available to me.

So with no lack of people to love, no lack of desire to love them, no lack of compassion for them, what is my problem? That is the question. A question that is haunting my days. I’m not sure when I’ve ever felt such a weariness, not of love, just of the energy to execute. I bought a new book on boosting willpower which was an awesome book and gave me some new strategies. I’ve reworked and reworked again daily habits seeking the right combination of self-discipline and planning (never my strong suit) to overcome a repeated failure to practically execute loving others.

I got my mom’s van stuck in the driveway the other day. I couldn’t figure out why it kept spinning. Yes there was snow and ice, but I’d cleared most of it away. I couldn’t figure out why I was so stuck. It turns out she had put on the emergency brake. No matter what else I tried, that brake kept me from moving. So what is holding me in this stuck position?

My ratio of success to failure isn’t encouraging. So if you read this, I covet your prayers. I strongly suspect I am not alone in this, and all things considered, I believe I am in far better shape than many of my fellow pastors who are either getting done or desperately want to. I don’t want to quit, I am hopeful for where God is going to lead Bean’s Corner, and despite the difficulties of this moment, I am confident in God’s leading of us.

I’m just really tired of failing so badly to do what I desperately want and need to do. As Jesus observed in Gethsemane, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I’ve never found myself quite this weak, at least in this way.