Category Archives: Personal

The Valley of Shadow

Personal

They were four, six, and eight years old as we brought them into the hospital room where he lay. The nurses had combed his hair, lowered the bed all the way down, and cradled a stuffed dog he’d been given under his now cold arm. Dad was gone, but to help our young children understand the new reality, they needed to come see, touch, and say goodbye to Papa.

We live in an age where we have moved death as far from us as possible. Even our language reflects this as we are more apt to say someone “passed” than say they “died.” My grandparents’ generation experienced the loss of children more often, and before the age of funeral homes (now remembrance centers), the deceased would be housed in the living room for the neighbors to come pay respects. Death was more closely connected to life.

We need to realize that we are likely returning to such a time. The rate of mortality of the current pandemic, which may get even worse if the current steps to slow the virus are removed, mean that many that we know and love may die in the next year. My wife and I have sat down and discussed the reality we may now face. We are likely to find death close to us repeatedly this year. Uncomfortably close.

The Psalmist called it the valley of the shadow of death. The valley is not something you enter when you die. The shadow is cast onto our lives while we are here. Every time we draw near death, either our own or someone close to us, we find ourselves in the shadow.

As Christians, and those of us who shepherd others spiritually, we need to be thinking and preparing the enter to valley of the shadow of death. We must be prepared not just to face our own death, but to cope with death as it impacts our lives. Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we should fear no evil. I don’t want to die yet, nor do I want my kids, my mom, or my friends to die. We all will though, and in a time of pandemic, perhaps sooner than I thought. My hope must rest in the Lord as I face the valley of the shadow.

I’m praying for you and us all as we face the valley without fear through Jesus. I’m having the hard conversations, reflecting on the fact that I and my loved ones are all “but a vapor.” In these times, we do not have the luxury of pretending otherwise.

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50 – Act III

Life in Christ, Personal

If you don’t look in the mirror much, you can try to ignore the march of the years. I started graying twenty-five years ago, so looking old is nothing new. Turning 50 recently has captured my attention as those big numbers with zero on the end tend to do. Many hit this age and struggle. I’ve been thinking a lot about this particular milestone in the last month or two and have been developing some perspective. I call it “Act III”

Act I was the first 25 years. They were mostly taken up by learning. I graduated Bible college at 22 and moved back to Maine and by 25 I had completed terms of service in 3 different churches (with some overlap) and had done two-years of full-time Camp ministry. I had learned a lot. While I have never stopped learning, for narrative purposes we go on to the next Act.

Act II, or the next 25 years coincides with things settling down into more doing (while always learning). I was 26 when I arrived at Bean’s Corner to begin the ministry that has defined so much of my life. I was 25 when I became the “Assitant Director” of Camp Berea, and 28 when I became Director. Act II has been primarily about doing and serving.

Act III now arrives. More years lie behind than before. While I do not know the number of those years, I know an endpoint is coming. I will still seek to be learning. I will still seek to be actively serving, but Act III reminds me that the Play must come to an end. It is time to focus on the next production. I will not be in that one, but I can prepare others for it.

It is time to teach more, mentor more, develop others more than just continue to do my own thing. While I do not feel wise nor intelligent, God has been gracious enough to teach me many things and give me many experiences over the years. As I look back at 24 years at Bean’s Corner and 31 years at Camp Berea, as well as many other ministry experiences, I know I have perspective and ideas that may make the path easier for the ones that follow.

One thing I am sure of. While I hope to linger longer to finish bringing my children into adulthood and serving the Lord more, I know that whatever lies before is already enough. As I sit at the milepost marked 50, I am well content and filled with a sense of blessing. God has given me a much fuller life than I ever dreamed of when I was in high school or even college. I have been able to do so many things I never dreamed and most importantly, share in the lives and spiritual journeys of many men & women. I pray that Act III allows me to help prepare the next generation for fruitful ministry as we pursue the Mission of Jesus, to make disciples.

If you’ve been part of my journey so far, thank you!

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When Silence Speaks

Personal

I am part of a group of Gospel writers who each week give us a writing prompt. This promot was “When Silence Speaks” and had a 300 word limit. This is my attempt at the prompt. It represents first a reflection of my childhood, then two scenes from adulthood.

Socks, boots, snow pants, mittens, scarf, hat, coat, and finally ready.  Finally step outside into fourteen inches of white. It blankets the world and still falls in steady cascades of quiet.  It is silent. The world is rendered mute under the noiseless assault underway. This universe is robbed of color and sound.  A deep breath of sharp air assaults the lungs and a pure joy fills the heart. The silence speaks to my heart. Peace, beauty, and wonder abound and the silence assaults my ears in the most delicious of roars.  It is so quiet. I trudge deep into the woods listening attentively as the silence continues its concert.

Leaves piling up and grey skies mute the expanse.  Docks are pulled out, boats covered and stored, and shutters on the screens.  October on the Lake has chased everyone back home to warmer houses and busier schedules.  The sand crunches under my boots as I stride to the water’s edge and gaze out over miles of mirror.  It is a symphony of color as reds and oranges drown out the muted evergreen, reflecting for full effect in the smooth surface of the water.  The bald eagle soars high overhead. As my feet stop, the last quiet crunch of sand fades away. It is silent. The silence speaks to my heart of days gone by and generations of my family that enjoyed this lake.  In the silence, the collected experiences of those who came before me swirl around me and I hear them. Fall air fills the lungs with the flavor of passing nature and seasonal change.  

A wrinkled hand and ragged breath.  Dim unseeing eyes but still warmth in the touch.  Then change and the breath grows weaker. Weaker. It is silent.  Dad is gone. The silence speaks a last goodbye.

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You’re a ______ Man, Charlie Brown?

Life in Christ, Perils of Shepherds, Personal

Now and then, a friend or community member has declared to me, “you’re a good man.” One of the most interesting things about being told that is the immediate rush of blood to my ego, which, in its pure and distilled form, is my biggest obstacle for goodness.

I’m willing to accept that from an average human viewpoint that I’m at least a neutral guy and probably even a reasonable “good” person in that I have not committed any major crimes and do try, most of the time, to avoid minor infractions as well. I’ve never aced the test, but I do try to be generous, honest, kind, and observe behavior that is considered by most “good.”

It is the flip side that most people see less of that is my problem. I am selfish every day in small and often easy to hide ways. I have thoughts and attitudes running rampant through my head at times which would convict me if broadcast on a screen. I struggle with impatience, a judgemental attitude, and many more violations of goodness.
Then there are my good moments which are sometimes the result of less than laudatory motivations. Sometimes I do good things for reasons much less noble. Being good sometimes gets me what I want, whether it be praise, reward, or some other positive result. Sometimes I am good just to avoid a bad outcome, not because of any virtue. (For instance, I always obey the speed limit in the presence of law enforcement).

And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.

(Mark 10:18)

So am I a good man? In a comparative sense maybe, but not objectively. Any honest core sample will reveal far too many impurities to be considered really good. So why do people call me a good person?
The biggest reason is that there is a contravening force at work in me. Fighting against my selfishness, my self-centered motives and my desire for ease and reward, is an outside force that I have welcomed in. This Spirit is actually good and represents not comparative goodness, but absolute pure goodness. He comes, not because I did something that merited it, but because He did something that allows me to accept Him.

Some time back I invited Him into my existence and asked Him to remake the confused and flawed being that is me. The renovation isn’t complete, and there are many many times that you will still see me clearly with its flaws and blemishes. Fortunately, there are other times where His influence and love are behind the wheel and I am truly selfless, gentle, loving, merciful, and gracious to others. Light shines forth, not originating in me, but reflecting through me. When this happens, sometimes others realize they have seen a good man.

They have. That good man is not me, but when I’m yielded, you will see Him in me. He’s a good man.

… not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—
(Philippians 3:9)

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Fiddling in the Fire

Church on Mission, Life in Christ, Personal

A few days ago we watched “Fiddler on the Roof” as a family. I have long loved the musical and was eager to expose my kids to it. My son’s response was to observe that it started out good and fun and then got rough and sad. We had a discussion about the treatment of the Jews in much of history.

Today we started watching the Civil War by Ken Burns and listened to the accounts of the disease, death, and indignity that was part of living as a slave in the USA. 4 out of 100 would live to be 60. It is not a fun show.

We don’t like this stuff. If we can avoid it, we try to. Human suffering is not something we like to see, dwell on, or think about any more than we feel we have to. We want happy endings, feel-good moments, and pleasant stories with good memories.

The sad truth is that the story of human civilization is the story of human suffering and most of it at the hands of other humans. Sometimes we cause the suffering directly, and other times through inaction or failure to appreciate the results of our actions and choices.

In Fiddler on the Roof, the local constable hates to do what he’s doing but he’s just following orders. He can’t risk his own position and even if he did, it wouldn’t change anything, so why try. That thought animates so much of human suffering. “There is nothing I can do about it, so why try.” When that phrase echos from thousands of voices, the reason for such agony in the world quickly becomes apparent.

God is deeply motivated by human suffering. He has allowed us to plot our own path, but He has told us what is good and what He wants.
1. To do Justice: This isn’t about enforcing laws, rather Biblical justice is about making sure the weak and powerless are not victimized and neglected by those who have resources and power.
2. Love Mercy: We want to ignore mercy because it, by definition, does not make people pay for all their mistakes. We want to withhold good from the guilty, forgetting that the heart of the Gospel is that Jesus died for the guilty.
3. Walk Humbly with God: Humbly first remembers that we have been recipients of mercy, that we have nothing within ourselves and are but poor sinners. Our lives don’t belong to us, neither do our resources. All belongs to Christ.
If this became central to our response to our fellow humans, human suffering would be mostly diminished. There would still be illness and natural disasters, but some of the causes and many of the impacts of even those would be ameliorated by the efforts of those who have the resources and power to help.

This is Jesus. He came down from heaven, laid aside His glory and privilege, and became not just human, but a poor and suffering human who took on the reality of human suffering. He lived with, loved, and healed many who were sick and suffering. He showed a different way. Then, in His greatest act, He laid down His life on the cross, choosing to take on the spiritual debt, the great need of our souls, and pay, out of His life and fullness, the price of our redemption. There has never been a greater provision of Biblical justice, mercy, and humility. He also mentioned that we should do likewise.

I, like most of us, do not like to dwell too long on the misfortunes and suffering of others. It is easy to pass it off as not my concern, or outside of my ability to do so. I am part of the problem. Are you?

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A Pizza Slice & Evil

Life in Christ, Personal

My wife sat down next to me as we began family movie night holding an absolutely beautiful slice of warm, fresh, pepperoni pizza. It was about 5 pm and I was not planning on eating pizza because it would keep me up. I’ve reached that delightful age where I can’t eat just anything, at least not a few hours before bedtime.
But it looked really, really good. My mouth began to water. Knowing that I should stick to my guns, there was only one thing to do. I holstered those guns and went out and grabbed a slice. It was good.
An hour later, and into the night, it was not good.

Since I wasn’t sleeping, I had time to reflect on my decision and the nature of evil in the world. My decision was a small one, with very limited consequences. I chose what looked and felt good over what I knew was right, but it was such a minor thing, it wasn’t a big deal. Nothing some tums and a later bedtime couldn’t overcome.

We are all like this. There are moments every day when we know better, but the stakes are low and what is before us “looks right in our eyes.” We don’t need to worry or feel guilty because these are small meaningless decisions. These small meaningless decisions can add up. They do add up, and not just in their consequences, but the habit they represent in us. We decide what is right and what we will do based on the moment, and what looks good in our own eyes.

The evil in our world is an amalgamation of millions of these little moments. We tend to want to ascribe evil to the large evil deeds of villains and to be sure those exist too. However, the general atmosphere of evil that lurks around every corner comes directly from our human heart and our desire for one piece of pizza, one moment of indiscretion, one minor indulgence of what looks good to our eyes. Each of these little moments finds us recreating that moment in the Garden of Eden where Eve looked at a fruit that God had said it was not good to eat, and she decided that it was good, that she wanted it and by golly, she was going to have one. Her and then her husband’s small choice was a big one, and my one slice of pizza perfectly recreated that moment as I do my part in perpetuating evil in this world by doing what is right in my own eyes.

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A Tractor, A Son, & God

Life in Christ, Perils of Shepherds, Personal

Oh No! Not Again!

As the weather forecast started talking about snow in early November followed by a turn toward cold temperatures, I feared a repeat of last year where winter started early and the snow came and stayed before I was done with everything. So Wednesday turned into a sprint to the finish on outside projects. One of those projects is taking the mower deck of the tractor and putting on the snowblower.

When I inherited my Dad’s Kubota, I had to get a friend (thank you Nick) to teach me how to do work because I had never done it with my Dad, having moved out on my own long before he bought the tractor. Now that I know how to do it, I can take care of it pretty easily each spring and fall. This year, however, I decided it was time for my oldest son to learn it too, so I had him help me. I could do the work just fine without him, but I enjoyed teaching him and spending the time with him while we worked together. It made the job much better.

When it comes to “Serving the Lord” I have had the idea that I am working for God. I am serving Him, doing His work and accomplishing things for Him. This mindset means that I must be faithful, I must do a good job, I must live up to my responsibilities. If that concept doesn’t produce enough pressure and even stress on its own, then there is the problem of my weaknesses and mistakes. My humanity gets in my way and I don’t serve Him as well as I should. I don’t always do the job as well as it ought to be done.

This year God has been dealing with me on this and teaching me a better understanding of how He relates to me and what my relationship with Him means. He has shown me that the work of the ministry is truly His work and He is doing it. He has allowed me to help Him, not because He needs help or can’t do the job on His own, but because He likes to teach me and He likes to spend time with me. (He did, after all, die so that I could be with Him). He is fully capable in His wisdom and power, to build His kingdom, but He has chosen to bring me along and let me learn to do the work too. He wants to work alongside me and share the work in a way that bonds Him and me together.

This is such a different way of viewing my day to day life as a servant of God. Rather than thinking that it all rests on me, to my pride or my pain, I realize that I am called to faithfully work alongside the Master as He builds His kingdom and works in people’s lives. He takes joy in teaching me and allowing me to help Him. This makes me less lonely, less fearful of my inadequacy, and reminds me that God is not a distant taskmaster, but an ever-present Father.

I am thankful for my son, and for God allowing me to be a Dad so I can learn what it means to be His child.

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Successful Failure

Life in Christ, Perils of Shepherds, Personal

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Thomas A. Edison

Yesterday’s blog post detailed one of the ways I tend to fail. Specifically how I tend to fail when I’m afraid I’m going to fail. It’s quite a cute little conundrum which I really hate about myself. Nevertheless, there it is, a truth about me. As I near a big milestone birthday and reflect back, I realize how much I have learned and am learning from my failures. I have to admit that it is true that I have learned far more from the failures, the mistakes, the hard times, and the weaknesses than I have learned from my successes and wins.

What has really been interesting to discover is how much others need my failures. This is harder for me than learning from my own failures. For others to learn from my failures means I need to share my failures with them, allow others to see my failures and not defend or excuse my failures. That is asking a lot!

The largest area where I have found this to be true is in raising my children. Especially as they have entered the teen years, I have found that it is vital that I be open, honest, and forthcoming about my weaknesses and failures. These messy areas of my life are hard to hide from my kids anyway since they live with me, and being honest and open about these untidy areas of my life allow me to speak into their lives and help them deal with things in their own lives in a more honest and hopefully preemptive way.

Church is the same way. As a pastor, rather than trying to portray a flawless, perfect man who has it all together, I need to be honest and transparent about my failures and weaknesses, because that can benefit many. This is true not just of pastors, but all of us. We need to be honest and open about our failures. We will learn far more from this very normal part of our earthly lives. It is very destructive to pride, but perhaps it takes a lot of pressure off of all of us. It is a key for us to not Keep Up Appearances.

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Weak Pastor, Strong Church

Personal

Time for another blow to the old pride! This will be a very personal post.

When I’m not sure what to do, I have a hard time planning or implementing a plan. If I know how to figure something out, great, I jump on it and can execute well, but one of my great weaknesses is that when I am uncertain and insecure about what to do, I can become discouraged to the point of paralysis. This is a tendency that I hate in myself and that brings embarrassment and shame to me. It was over a decade into our marriage before I finally was able to admit to Sarah that this is why I don’t get some things done. Not only don’t I know what to do, but I don’t know how to even start to proceed, and that fear causes me to just stop in my tracks. Admitting this here is only by the strength of God’s work in my life; to be this honest. (Side note, this is why God sent me an Administrative Assistant and an Administrative Pastor. Beth & Cody supply the missing piece in me to help me move past the blocks at church).

As fall came upon us, I needed to get the next supply of wood for this winter and next. Suddenly I was offered wood, but it was quite a ways away and was not cut up yet. So I needed help, a truck, someone to cut it up, plus figuring out when to get all these pieces together to make it work. I put out a plea on FB and got some responses but didn’t know what to do about it. (see? embarrassing). I did try to push through, but not knowing what to do and the feeling that I couldn’t make this work began to rise up and smother me. The weights began to pile up in my head. I didn’t want to disappoint the person who wanted to bless me with the gift of the wood, I felt it was wrong to try to martial resources from church to help because the church doesn’t exist to help me, I wasn’t confident I would have the time and ability to work up the wood since it was getting so late, and my daughter kept asking if we were going to be getting wood. Classic Ira trap.

Why am I sharing such a sad, weak picture of myself? Not because I want to, but because it matters to what happened next and demonstrates the goodness of God which comes as grace and mercy, not as a reward for our goodness.

This Sunday, I sat at church trying to grab some late lunch before Bible study after a busy morning and early afternoon, when my wife called and asked me to come home right away because, she said cryptically, “there are people in the yard.” So home I go, very confused and figuring probably some unexpected relative that I haven’t seen in a while dropped by unexpectedly. What I found was cars parked all along the edge of the road and my driveway and backyard filled with people from church working up and stacking wood. It was pouring rain, but they had a big tent set up to work under.

I. Was. Shocked. I didn’t have words to express what it means. I still don’t feel like I can adequately express what it meant for me. This blog post is an attempt.

It wasn’t merely that they took care of my wood for probably two years. It was that they stepped into an area where I was lost and failing and just FIXED it. The weight off my shoulders psychologically is hard to quantify. I didn’t deserve it. They shouldn’t have done it. And I could not possibly be more humbled, more grateful, more touched. How to put into words such powerful feelings of wanting to cry and laugh at the same time. I hate to need help and to need to be rescued and yet it feels so good to have been helped and rescued. It is embarrassing that I couldn’t do it on my own and oh so freeing to not have had to do it on my own.

I think that sums up all of us as we face coming to Christ or not. To come to Christ is to admit our utter failure and incompetence. It is demeaning, embarrassing, humiliating to have to face the fact that you can’t do it and you need to be rescued. On the other hand, there is no greater joy than to be loved undeservedly, delivered fully, and freed from trying to do something you know you can’t do.

I failed but was handed success by my church. I sinned and was handed righteousness by my God. In both cases I am deeply humbled, brought to tears and filled with joy. As I said to some of the workers that afternoon. “I thought it might be a relative, but it turned out to be family.” I am so thankful for everyone who had even a small part in this special gift of grace.

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Kanye or Notye

Personal

Note: This post does not review the newly released album “Jesus is King” by Kanye West.

Apparently Kanye’s new album is a big deal. I have never been a fan, mostly because I don’t follow most popular music, being partial to indie Christian, folk, classical, and show tunes. As a result, I might not even have known that a new album was coming out were it not for the extra exposure I got from Christian friends on social media and the news due to Kanye’s purported conversion, and release of a praise & worship album.

Color me cautious. I am certainly hopeful that Mr. West has truly found Jesus in a real, not a publicity-seeking, way and that he is connecting to mature believers who can disciple him and help him truly grow in Christ. If this album becomes a trail marker on a road of new life and fruit of the Spirit, then I’ll be delighted. At the moment, what we have is a lot of reasons to be cautious and reticent. Kanye has had a pretty unstable history of wide swings of positions and mood, signs of mental health struggles, and sinful indulgence. This past does not mean that his current album isn’t real, or heart-felt, or the start of something new, but as Christians, we are often so eager for a big turn-around story that we latch on and elevate people before we know what the story truly is.

Our society is a celebrity-based society. We have a reality-show star for president, an Instagram influencer culture, and a strong tendency to admire and follow those who have succeeded in the media/follower arena. This is true even within the Christian culture as we tend to most follow, admire, listen to teachers/preachers who have big churches or good media platforms. This makes Kanye very irresistible for many Christians. A worldly rogue, colorful anti-hero who is so popular he can both go by only one name and can even change that name (from Kanye to Yeezus, Yeezy, or Ye). Now he’s found Jesus and dedicated an album to him! Perfect!

I’ll be happy to wait and see. At some point I will probably find out what the album is about, and over time we’ll see if this is real, not just another zig-zag on the road of earthly fame and fortune. I urge my brothers and sisters in the meantime to keep their powder dry, pray for this man, his health, his spiritual journey, and those around him including his family. Our own testimony is strengthened when we are careful and wise instead of jumping on every bandwagon that rolls by, no matter how tempting.

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